Reflections

In less than 4 hours, we will bid farewell to 2010 and usher 2011. It's been a very eventful year for me. I've "bagged" a few major events this whole year and was also given the opportunities to participate in the tri-annual corporate retreat that is meant for senior management and potential candidates. Speaks enough of how things are moving, physically.

As much as I'm being talent spotted, I also go through roller coasters of challenges. These last 3 months were most emo for me at work. It dipped to the valley and now I am still trying to walk out of the pit. I need a breakthrough from all these, desperately.

Spiritually, my report card is probably all red. This is one area which I have to work really hard and stop procrastinating.

Family and friends, if I have neglected any of you, I hope I will do better in maintaining our relationship in the new year.

With a grateful heart, I would still like to thank God for all the blessings and seeing me through all the ups and downs. May the year 2011 be a better for one and all.

Tough Times??

It was a tough day at work. Started the day with a super heavy heart and I just kept asking myself if I did the right thing. Over and over again. It is something so like the 'Angel' vs 'Devil' conversation. They can hate me and be agnry with me all they want. I really had to do what I needed to do. I'm not giving myself any consolation to feel any better. It is often not easy to the 'right things' at the right time. God, please help me through.

No Regrets!

It's been a year... since I had my knee op. Time flies indeed and I'm still not fully recovered. Maybe about 70% there?!?! 1 year on and I count myself with lots of blessings. It isn't a pain free journey after op but surely I can see the goodness in having it. There were doubts but I would say with confidence now, "No Regrets!"

I made a heart wrenching decision today. It was a tug-of-war with so much emotions attached. But I know what I'm doing is right. Perhaps there will be many people who will be mocking at me very soon, especially colleagues who are waiting to see me fall. Like my previous post, I say again. I rather be admitting my mistakes than to cover it up and pretend nothing happened. As an educator, being honest and having integrity at work are the few important factors. Like the saying goes, trust can be lost in seconds but it takes years to build it.

I'm grateful to my coach for supporting my decision. As he says, he would have loved to see the team win but winning is not everything. I believe this is the biggest lesson I can ever teach my students in such pressed situation how to live to be an honest person.

Conscience Free

Work of late has been very challenging. Some colleagues thinks well of me and have been encouraging. And there are also mostly those who can't get what they want and think I resort to high handed means or sucking up to bosses.

I am conscience free. I do wrong and I apologise. I put in my every bit of effort to do my work conscientiously. I do not FB as much as these who calls me by ugly names as often. Working beyond my call of duty is so that I give what my students deserves in return.

I do not think by submitting to my students and "fighting for their benefit" would win them favours and appears as "nice". By being firm in what I believe is not sucking to my bosses to make them happy. How do they know that I do not counter my thoughts with bosses?

You can me all kinds of names. I don't give a damn because I know what I have achieved today is by my own effort. I do what is right, not to please my superiors, but what I would think is best for the organisation. If you can't beat me in performing better, wouldn't you think you should reflect on yourself than to make me sound shallow?

At the end of the day, I know who I am answerable to. He knows what I have done and I only need to answer to Him.

The Blind Leading The "Blinds"

I had a very interesting activity today as part of a project I'm involved in. I could not see totally, pitched dark to be precise and had to feel my way using different senses. I'm not suppose to reveal much because that would give away what is in the journey. If you want to have a try, contact me. To sum it up, the life of a visually handicapped in one hour.

It dawned upon many things after the experience. During the walk, I could only settle my anxieties after almost half the journey. So much anticipation till I was so noisy and making a lot of comments.

I thought it was pretty easy to just feel the way but at some points, we had to follow the voice of our guide, which is visual handicapped in reality. Following the voice was really tricky especially as she starts walking away. But when we are lost or slow and call out to the guide, she would stop and wait for us. I find this very similar to how I or most people of the same faith as me reacts. Very often I needed to hear the Lord speak so clear to me to know what he wants from me, to follow Him. And when I am stranded behind He would always be there to wait for me to catch up. The guide like God would never leave anyone behind.

Most of us would also have encountered doing night walks in secondary school camps and got frightened by our seniors or friends. This fear is also common among many people and therefore before entering into the darkness, we were assured that no tricks would be played on us or make us feel insects or animals. I guess too much of Fear Factor shows. We had to trust what the guide says and do exactly to be safe. Akin to God, He always tells us that we need to trust in Him that He will provide and lead us through all our challenges. But this is only if we BELIEVE totally in this. I know even fervent Christians/Catholics sometimes would lose that trust. I used to entrust in Him so much and let Him run the show. I have drifted away so much that I would only turn to Him when I know only divine intervention can help. I need to find back this relationship of trust with Him again. I really need it especially with so much pouring down on me these days.

This journey in the dark has kind of given me a wake up call. That I need to open my ears to him everyday as if I am walking in the "dark". That only with His light that shines can lead me through the journey with faith by following what He says.

I need to work harder in this area.

Friend?

When we get too task oriented, we often would neglect the softer touch of the human side.

A friend asked me help for an event through my company's facility. Honestly, I treat the request as an official request and considered it partly because of friendship. And came one request after another. I know I have not gotten back to you for reply because I was busy with work and it takes time to seek for approvals. Yesterday, in the midst of my meeting, I received a sms that the last request is not needed anymore because an alternative ground have been gotten. I am pissed!! For me, if I have asked help from somebody, whether chance is slim or hopeful, I would check on the status again to get an official answer of 'yes' or 'no'. People could have worked on your request but you didn't know. And actually, I have gotten a verbal approval but just not in writings yet.

Maybe I am over-reacting but I do feel very played out. I'm your friend. The least you could have done was to check with me like how you did previously. I felt so taken for granted. All you gave your reason was not to put me in a difficult spot. Hello?!?! After a week plus from your official request you did this to me? Thanks for that consideration for me but if you had really put your thoughts for me, you would not have done this. I'm disappointed.

Say I'm petty or insensitive to your stressed situation now, the least I did when I asked of you for help, I would always check back with you first until u tell me you cannot do then I look for others for help. How do you know I'm not grappling with stress on my end too?

Humility

I learnt a great lesson today. Never insinuate that your subordinates made a wrong choice in what you think is not good in front of any students. Just because you think you have some similar portfolios before and you can put me down in your arrogant thinking. And by the way, branded stuffs doesn't mean that they are really good.

Half of 2010

It's 22 June and in another 8 days we would have completed half of 2010. They say when you pass 21 years old, time just slip through your fingers like sand.

This half a year has been challenging at work and at rehab. It's been almost 7 months and I'm still struggling to heal and recover from my knee surgery. It hinders my ability to do sports and am ended up in the roundest state I have ever been in. Picking up lap swimming and running was really tough. And to add on, my right heel is not helping with new injury. Nevertheless, I am grateful that I went through the op. I wasn't a 100% about it and had umpteen times of angel v devil in my head before I went. I'm glad I did it. Really. Though I am still trying to recover, the least I can feel is that usual pain is not there anymore.

Work? I shall not comment further. One day I had a friend, quite some time back, was concerned that my blogs sounded depressing because I was updating about work. Thanks friend. Appreciate your 'oei's over msn... :D

In the next half of the year, I would like to have more time to play, chill and relax. I hope I can achieve that. I hope to be strengthened with Faith and be filled with God's Peace and Love always especially in trying times. Projects after projects, I need the strength and wisdom from Him to lead me on.

This song gives me strength on my low days. Hope it will be of help to you too, when you need it. Thank you Ah Pa!

So You Would Come

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

33

I am truly blessed and loved by so many around me. I had countless of FB, sms and email wishes from friends and family who are all over the world. Got my first birthday greeting at 8.15am from my niece. And at 3pm, my 2 nephews refused to give up calling me to send their wishes. At least 4 birthday songs were sang to me, cut 3 cakes and 2 birthday treats. I own a car and have a stable job. I really must count my blessings! Thank you Lord, for everything!

So it's my fault

Dad: Why is the (styrofoam) box broken?

Me: I fell on it when I slipped from the wet cloth.

Dad: How can it be so broken?

Me: With my size of course it will break?

Dad: (Gave me a one kind look)

Me: You put a wet floormat on the marble flooring there is definitely a chance I will fall.

Dad: That's the domestic helper's problem, it's not my fault.

Me: Ya but the floormat is wet and it's slippery on this flooring.

Dad: The mats are dirty of course she has to wash it!

Me: Then after she washed she could dry it outside first than to leave a wet floormat here.

So me falling down is wrong because it broke his box. I walked off after saying the last sentence. Not even a word of concern asked. If it was him who fell, it would be a different story.

Like that lor...

Just finished a week long of graduation with me scheduled for first and last day duties. 3 sessions a day, I "sang"/lip-synced the national anthem 6 times this week. Usually I would look forward to every year this time as we get to see students who have been working in line with me after a long time since they left school. This year, it just feels like part of my work routine.

This year's graduation has its significance on me. I am witnessing the 1st batch of students whom I first taught back in 2007. Now, they have graduated. Time have really flown. So fast, so furious. I could recognise a few of them and one of them, a scholar even remembered me though I can't really remember him, haha. Can't blame me as I teach almost 200 students a year. Even those who were under my CCA Clubs' care, I can't remember their names but can recognise their face though.

Congratulations graduands!

Heavy

Today we had the 2nd casualty for the module. The first was a head injury requiring to be warded, today was a finger dislocation.

On my way back from the hospital I was stuck in a very slow moving traffic back to school. I felt very thankful that the injury was not very serious. And then it dawned upon me that my job is quite a thankless job. I don't earn a high paying salary even when I have to undertake more risk in my work.

It's this time of the year again and I have to students overseas soon. Without fail, the trip organisers would surely go through a tug of war over various issues that were raised year after year. To them, it is the fun and excitement in the activities that they would like to offer. To me, I always have to plead them to think from the school point of view as well.

It's not because it's tougher or more demanding terrain that I don't want to do. On each trip, I have the duty of care over each of them. I can lose my job for nuts if something were to happen, but I know it will never get through my conscience that a serious or fatal accident occured due to my negligence. A few years ago, when I first took over this adventure club, the President had the cheek to even tell me that he was willing to undertake all responsibilities. I threw a question back at him, "Who are you to undertake such responsibilities? Can you ever repay somebody else's son / daughter?" In the name of tradition, they were willing to put so much at risk.

If an engineer can get a few hundred dollars by just signing on a piece of paper, why shouldn't we be treated similarly when I have duty of care over people's lives? What is the difference? When will the organisation ever see the amount of responsibilities doesn't equate with the remunerations?

Wisdom, I need. Graces even more to see me through it all. But how long more?

Hmmphh!

I had wanted to finish off some work earlier in the night but it all got disrupted after I told my dad that I bought a new LCD tv for home. We used to have one which my parents bought but was spoilt after a few years. Anyway, they often like to buy things that doesn't really last long.

And it was a good deal that I had from one of the local megastores sales. I thought it looked quite pitisome to use back the old tv and a new tv with my little bonus may show some what my little fillial and part in the family. Afterall, I can't expect my parents to be always paying for new stuffs in the house.

In the pique of anger, dad said some things which really pissed me off. I know he feels frustrated with the amount of things that were building up in the spare room. To be honest, I don't know how true if the things in there more than half are my mum's. He is quite a hoarder too, always like to bring home boxes in the namesake for us. PLEASE!!!!! I have never needed them. I know how to pack my things without those boxes.

And then he rantled at me at my clothes that usually hangs in the spare room. In my pique of anger, I packed up 6 bags of old clothes and am ready to give it all away. All because he is disgruntled that there is no space for the old tv to be kept with all the unnecessary stuffs.

As I was packing my old clothes, my thoughts drifted in and out of my mind on how this whole matters could have been resolved. The word and tone used is always the key factor in communication. A simple sentence or instruction that tells to pack up so that there is space would have been sufficient than to yell at us and make us look like worst sinners.

I often pray that for self-control because I inherited the dreaded temper of my elders. Short fuses really is so apparent in us. Being the generation that is most educated, I often tell myself that I should be more discerning on how I manage my temper. That I could make the change and difference in my generation by looking at things from different perspectives, less judgemental, listening before I speak. I guess at the end of the day, I am still human. I err and definitely will, only a matter of how serious only.

I need God's graces over the next few days to prepare for the coming of the new appliance. Communication is the crucial factor.

Dilemma

It's been so loooooooooong since I blogged. Not sure how many still surf in to read.

A lot has happened but I'm not going to put in 2 months worth of events.

Just got back from a supposed holiday and I met my boss on the first day I reported back to work. I was quite anxious to meet him initially because when I was on leave, most of my colleagues received their PB letter. Naturally I would like to know what is mine like too. Then the moment came when I met my boss outside his office, I knew what he wanted to tell me when he asked me to go in and see him.

Besides giving me feedbacks and informing me of my little reward, he told me I will be offered to be put on establishment in a few days time. I was speechless, just smile. I didn't know how to react. Really. I wasn't leaping in joy about the news. I thought the day that I would be offered would make me very happy because it is a form of recognition from the organisation that they value my effort put forth here. Honestly, I was hoping for a promotion with monetary benefit more than this offer.

I have on a few occasions asked myself if this is the place where I would put my feet deep in. There are just times when I feel so tired, so jaded. I am supposed to rejoice and be happy with this news but it's not happening. I remember feeling so appreciated when I was offered to be re-contracted more than 6 months in advance. The feeling of excitement seems to have changed.

I have yet sign the letter, I guess I will eventually as I have nothing to lose. I know I should be counting my blessings. I hope this is, truly.

我 们 这 一 班

This is one song which we used to sing in our own legion camp. We changed the lyrics to suit on our situation.

I heard it again after so long on a local tv programme recently. Certainly brings back lots of memories.

我 们 这 一 班
曾 经 你 我 有 说 不 完 的 话 题
曾 经 我 们 每 天 在 一 起

开会不 在 意 连 测手验 都 忘 记
只 有 玩 乐 最 要 紧

神师 曾 经 说 过 我 们 叽 叽 喳 喳
开会不 准 我 说 话
直 到 有 一 天 大 家 都 被骂时
才 明 白神师的 道 理


我 们 这 一 团我 们 这 一 团
开会不 专 望著天花板

我 们 这 一 团我 们 这 一 团
念经睡觉神修都一样

我 们 这 一 团我 们 这 一 团
崇 拜 偶 像 神师的话我们丢一旁
但 我 们 从 来 都 不 怕 因 为 小 时 了 了 大 未 必 佳

如 今 你 和 我 都 已 经 长 大 如 今 志 愿 不 再 嘴 边 挂

想 起 开会时的团圆和 神师那 无 忧 无 虑 的 日 子